FROM AUSTRALIA ON “PARENTING”….HONEY WE WRECKED THE KIDS
http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/honey-we-wrecked-the-kids/?referrer=email&source=Punch_nl&emcmp=Punch&emchn=Newsletter&emlist=Member
Honey, we wrecked the kids
by Catherine Warnock
13 Apr 05:55am
So we’re all wondering what’s wrong with the kids of today. Why can’t they amuse themselves, behave themselves and do things for themselves? Why is there so much bullying, disrespect, vandalism, drug taking, sexualised behaviour and violence?
Our generation didn’t behave this way, we reminisce proudly. We did as we were told, respected ourselves and others, worked hard and went to bed at a reasonable hour. We didn’t stay out clubbing til five a.m, trash the streets with litter and graffiti, harass people at train stations and dress like porn stars.
We were great! And besides, today’s kids have everything. They should be so grateful that they wouldn’t even think of stepping out of line.
They have all the things we never dreamt of having as kids; mobile phones, iPods, Internet, Facebook, alco-pop, shopping malls, credit cards, ‘Schoolies’ and fast foods galore.
Our homes have every domestic device known to humankind; the kids don’t share bedrooms, nor wash and dry dishes, nor chop firewood, nor mend their clothes.
If they have extra-curricula activities they are driven there—no matter what age. Big, strapping lads lurch out of their mums’ 4WDs for footy training (only to be picked up again by mum at the end of it all).
Unlike our parents, we actually talk to our kids. We like them to think we’re cool. We don’t have harsh rules. We want them to like us so we ask for their opinions and we do as they say. Why, we’ve even written bogus ‘sick notes’ to their teachers and bailed them out of mobile phone debt. We’ve let them host parties (oh, and we’ve bought the grog too). And we’ve defended them when the neighbours accused them of vomiting in their front yards.
We’ve been the best parents ever! What more could they possibly need?
But if we’ve done such a great job, why do they thumb their noses at our rules, treat our homes like rubbish bins (or drop in centres), eat so much junk their arteries must be popping, ignore our advice and generally cause us so much worry?
Well, do you want the good news or the bad news?
The good news is that we should get an award for being so patient, hardworking and benevolent. The bad news is that said award is unlikely to be forthcoming any time soon (not unless the kids can borrow a few bucks from us to buy it).
And the second bit of bad news is that we have made this rod for our own back. Yes, us.
I know we don’t want to believe that all our efforts might be the very reason for the kids behaving badly in the first place. After all, we love our kids and want the best for them. We’ve even mistakenly thought that giving them everything they want is the way to do that—but that’s where we are wrong.
And here’s why.
Our kids don’t need ‘stuff’; they need love and guidance much more than any toy, gizmo or outfit.
They don’t need us to be ‘cool’; they need us to be grown-ups. (Besides, trying to be cool can be very uncool).
They don’t need us to defend them when they muck up; they need us to help them understand where they went wrong and how to make amends.
They don’t need us to do everything for them; they need us to teach them how to be independent and resourceful.
They don’t need us to agree with everything they say and do; they need us to show them how to stick to your own rules and values – even if it makes you as popular as Britney Spears at a Metallica concert.
They don’t need us to let them watch whatever they want on TV; they need us to show them what’s appropriate for their stage of maturity.
They don’t need us to feed them junk food; (they already know their way to KFC anyway); they need us to promote healthy eating and share the skill of cooking.
They don’t need us to drive them everywhere; walking is good exercise and a great way to socialise and learn independence.
They don’t need us to sanction underage drinking; they need us to encourage them to socialise in healthier ways—even if that means not socialising too much with alcohol ourselves. Ouch.
They don’t need us to encourage negative views of school (“You have waaaay too much homework, Jimmy. I’m going to give them a piece of my mindâ€); they need us to reinforce respect for the system that supports them to learn.
They don’t need us to turn a blind eye when they wear skimpy, gravity-defying dresses and the kind of eye-makeup we haven’t seen since the KISS years; they need us to let them know that the way we dress (whether we like it or not) does send messages to others – and sometimes not the ones we bargained for.
They don’t need us to buy them contraceptives when they hit puberty; they need us to help them develop self respect and a discerning attitude towards sex.
They don’t need us to ignore a lazy attitude; they need us to encourage them to contribute to their world and their own happiness and well being.
They don’t need us to let them do whatever they want; they need us to set sensible boundaries and be consistent in our approach to discipline.
They don’t need us to be their ‘best friends’; they do need us to be there for them, but they also need healthy friendships with peers.
And so, as we read all this, are we starting to feel a bit guilty yet? I know I am.
But, don’t despair. By even just considering this stuff, you are already well placed to make changes for the better. And if you are a new parent just starting out, lucky you. You have the benefit of all our mistakes to help avoid the pitfalls.
Just remember there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. (Thank God or I’m sure the rest of us would’ve slashed our wrists by now) We do the best we can, with the help and advice that’s available at the time.
But for too long the advice has focused on the raising of safe, well-fed, well-heeled kids with high self esteem; which is great—but is also really only half of the story. The other half is about the attitudes we are showing them.
It’s time for parents to become good role-models for their kids – before it’s too late. We can’t rely on our education, government, police, medical, community or justice systems to pick up the pieces when we have failed our kids. It’s up to us to prevent it from happening in the first place.
The buck, I’m afraid, stops here.
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