RUTHFULLY YOURS

I believe that a child who pretends his pastry is a gun poses an imminent danger, but 5,000 criminal illegal aliens released from jail enhance public safety.

I believe that New Yorkers must be protected from the risk of drinking 16 ounces of soda, but exposed to the risk of bringing Osama bin Laden’s son-in-law for a civil trial blocks from Ground Zero.

I believe that every American child deserves to be loved and cherished, except for certain 16-year-olds who deserve to be killed by drones.

I believe that a Muslim woman who applauds 9/11 and admires Hitler deserves a State Department award for her courage, at least until someone reads her tweets.

I believe that the federal government should confiscate guns from law-abiding Americans, but give thousands of guns to Mexican drug gangs to kill our Border Patrol agents.

I believe the president should stay up late partying with Jay-Z and Beyonce, but hit the sack when our Libyan consulate is under attack and our Ambassador is missing.

I believe that plastic bags are a menace to the earth, but Iran’s nuclear weapons are no big deal.

I believe that mankind controls the weather, but is helpless to get a job.

I believe that Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel and CIA Chief John Brennan are fair-minded statesmen, and if you don’t agree, you’re a Jew-loving Zionist who’s under the thumb of the Israel Lobby.

I believe the First Lady should always announce the winning picture at the Oscars, accompanied by military personnel, and if you don’t like the Academy’s choice, you should be shot.

I believe that American children must be educated by government teachers about the danger of sexual predators, and fondled by government inspectors every time they board a plane.

I believe that America is rich enough to arm the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt with 16 F-16 fighter jets and 200 Abrams tanks, but too broke to give White House tours.

I believe that government should keep its “Hands off my body,” with the one exception of ObamaCare’s 160 new government agencies that control my medical care.

I believe that Bob Woodward is a hero for exposing the lies of Nixon, and a scoundrel for exposing the lies of Obama.

I believe that women are the most capable people on earth, but helpless to pack healthy lunches for their kids without the First Lady.

I believe that Attorney General Eric Holder, who’s in contempt of Congress, is trustworthy when he promises Congress not to kill us with drones, because his word is gold.

I believe that Al Gore is a sincere spokesman for the planet, who only sold out to Al Jazeera for 100 million bucks because he needed to pay the fuel bills in his 10,000-square-foot mansion.

I believe that male politicians must respect women, and so I voted for Robert Menendez, Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, John Kennedy, Anthony Weiner, David Wu, Kwame Kilpatrick, Antonio Villaraigoso, and the irreplaceable conscience of the Senate, Ted Kennedy.

I believe that Arabs blowing up Israeli families are expressing justifiable rage, but Jews building homes in Jerusalem can never be forgiven.

I believe that Hillary Clinton was the greatest Secretary of State since the dawn of time, and if you don’t agree, what difference at this point does it make?

I believe that we must practice sustainability for our children’s future, and that every beautiful new baby should be born $54,000 in debt.

I believe that the Constitution is an outmoded document written by dead white males, and Shariah is a timeless expression of important cultural values.

I believe in free speech, so why don’t you shut the **** up.

I believe the Koch Brothers are greedy, conniving hate-mongers, and that convicted felon and Nazi collaborator George Soros is a selfless patriot.

I believe that Obama has elevated us to a new age of multicultural harmony, and that’s why his Department of Homeland Security just ordered 450 million rounds of hollow point bullets.

Stella Paul’s new ebook is What I Miss About America: Reflections from the Golden Age of Hope and Change, available at Amazon for just $1.99. Write Stella at Stellapundit@aol.com