RUTHFULLY YOURS

In the wake of the Zimmerman-Martin case, Attorney General and Corrupt Political Hack Eric Holder ^[1] has taken aim at Stand Your Ground laws because they had nothing to do with the Zimmerman-Martin case but are a distraction from the issue of racism, which also had nothing to do with it.  So… that makes sense.

Stand Your Ground laws ^[2] allow a person to defend himself against attack without evading the attacker, running away, begging for mercy or freeing prisoners from Guantanamo so they can return to the battlefield. Without Stand Your Ground laws if, just for instance, a teenager trained in mixed martial arts techniques and stoned on cough syrup and watermelon soda found himself smashing your head into the pavement for some reason, you would not be allowed to rush to judgement and automatically take this amiss just because the attacker happened to be African American. Instead, you would be required to say something like, “Excuse me, young man. Pardon me. I say, I understand your people have suffered from discrimination, but would you mind terribly not smashing my head into the pavement?” If he refused and went on to kill you, you would then be permitted to come back to life and shoot him.

CPH Holder has determined that Stand Your Ground laws are extremely dangerous to people who for no fault of their own just happen to be making an attempt on your life. Therefore he would like to replace them with a new set of laws called Lie Down and Die. Under Lie Down and Die Laws, if you found yourself under violent attack by someone whose race or gender or sexual orientation had suffered from past prejudices, you would be required to apologize for that prejudice, make reparative payments and stand in the public square holding a cardboard sign confessing your privileged status before you would be allowed to fall to the earth and expire.

“If we had had Lie Down and Die laws at this nation’s very beginnings,” said CPH Holder, “we would never have committed the atrocities against the native Americans that led to the white man stealing their land and introducing such pollution-causing devices as the wheel and the internal combustion engine.”

By introducing Lie Down and Die Laws, the AG&CPH feels that we can put an end to incidents in which Hispanic neighborhood watchmen challenge suspicious looking teenagers and are beaten senseless before shooting their attacker.  At least, we’ll be able to put an end to that last part.