RUTHFULLY YOURS

At a news conference in Washington today, President Obama announced that he is directing the Environmental Protection Agency to act immediately to enforce a new set of regulations to limit emissions of dihydrogen oxide gas, or water vapor, one of the primary causes of catastrophic anthropogenic climate change.

“The world faces a crisis,” the president intoned, “and America must lead. We have taken the first step by limiting carbon emissions, but that cannot be effective unless we deal with the larger menace posed by dihydrogen oxide pollution as well. Since Congress has failed in its duty to pass the required laws, I, as president, am directing the EPA to move unilaterally to issue and enforce appropriate regulations.”

The importance of dealing quickly with the dihydrogen oxide crisis was dramatically made clear by EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy, who showed charts comparing current atmospheric CO2 levels, at 400 parts per million, with those of water vapor, which are now greater than 10,000 parts per million. “And not only do dihydrogen oxide levels exceed CO2 more than twenty times over,” Ms. McCarthy said, “but each molecule of DHO has greater greenhousing effect. So we need to get control of this without delay.”

In answer to a reporter’s question, the president acknowledged that there may also be natural sources of atmospheric water vapor, but took a firm stand nevertheless. “Other nations may pollute, but that does not excuse us. Other sources may pollute, but that can not excuse us. Whatever other nations do, or natural processes may do, we must be responsible for our own actions. Every pound of dihydrogen oxide pollution is a blow to the climate. The science on this is settled, and we have no time to continue endlessly debating with flat Earthers who would deny the gravity of the crisis. The future of the planet is at stake.”

The president was given strong scientific support for the program by eminent NASA scientist Dr. James Hansen, the world’s leading expert on future climate. “The situation is even worse than most people can imagine,” Dr. Hansen said. “While anthropogenic dihydrogen oxide emissions will indeed warm the atmosphere, they will also increase precipitation. Therefore, at the same time that glaciers shrink due to melting, they will also grow rapidly as a result of increased snowfall. Thus we expect sea levels to both rise and fall simultaneously, flooding entire continents while leaving vital ports stranded high and dry, hundreds of miles from the ocean. As the polar glaciers grow, endangered species such as polar bears will be driven south in vast numbers, creating havoc in cities such as Toronto, St. Louis, Houston, and Mexico City. While some countermeasures have been suggested, once the Panama Canal freezes they will be unstoppable. Unfortunately, however, the warming/cooling process will not halt there. Rather it will self accelerate, with the final result being a superhot planet completely covered by ice. We have less than a year to stop this from happening. Afterwards, it will be too late. Anyone who stands in the way of immediate action should be indicted for crimes against the planet, and dealt with accordingly.”

According to Administrator McCarthy, initial EPA actions will include enforcement to stop dihydrogen oxide emissions from vehicles, ships, airplanes, homes, farms, industries, and other businesses. All such potential vapor emitting entities (PVEEs) will be required to equip their systems with EPA-approved condensers, thereby allowing their vapors to be gathered and returned to the federal government in liquid form for safe sequestration. Effective oversight will be guaranteed by the creation of a new Water Condensation Administration, which will deploy inspectors to assess compliance of all PVEEs on a monthly basis. In order to prevent PVEEs from “gaming the system,” McCarthy said, compliance standards will be contained in EPA/WCA interoffice memos, and not be made public. This procedure will provide the EPA with maximum discretion in pursuing prosecution or granting waivers to PVEEs, as advisable, to help encourage socially responsible conduct on the widest possible basis.

Far from damaging the economy, the president said that the new regulations will create vast numbers of jobs, with over a million inspectorate positions at the newly formed WCA alone. Millions of additional jobs will be created by the expansion of production at manufacturers of EPA-approved condensing systems. Beyond this, enormous economic growth could be expected from the new “blue technology” sector, devoted to advanced water vapor recovery technology. As an example of such growth, Mr. Obama pointed to a $550 million contract recently awarded by the WCA to Biolyndra, a hi-tech Silicon Valley startup backed by billionaire investor George Soros that proposes to use genetic engineering to create plants that will capture water vapor out of the atmosphere with their leaves and return it as liquid to the ground via their roots. “This is only the first such grant we have awarded,” the president said. “Many more will follow. The benefits to all concerned will be incalculable.”

In fact, according to leading Wall Street figures close to the administration, the new regulations offer the potential to spur economic growth in ways that go far beyond what is currently envisaged. “I like the plan,” said Steven Ratner, a noted financial veteran who played a key role in implementing the 2009 stimulus program. “But it’s just the beginning. While initially it might be appropriate for the EPA to give out DHO vapor waivers as advisable, looking to the future, it would be better for the agency simply to approve or disapprove the use of a waiver on a case by case basis, but then require the approved parties to buy the actual waiver on the open market. The federal government could then acquire substantial revenues by issuing waivers for sale to major investment houses, which could then hold, trade, or market them retail to the public. As the EPA incrementally increases the penalties for violators, the value of the waivers would be certain to rise strongly, creating trillions of dollars in equity. This could then be used as security to issue credit for further waiver purchases, which will drive prices still higher. The sky is the limit with this one.”

International reception for the plan was also sharply favorable. Exemplary of the response was a statement issued by Supreme Revolutionary Council of the Islamic Republic of Iran, which read in part: “This is exactly the kind of program we have always dreamed that the United States would implement.” Similar warm responses were also voiced by the governments of China, North Korea, Syria, Venezuela, and the Sudan, as well as al-Qaeda, a prominent Middle East-based non-governmental organization.

Meanwhile, in Oslo, authorities with the Nobel Committee quickly put to rest rumors that the president’s previous award might prevent consideration of the historic plan as the basis for another. “Einstein won two Nobel Prizes,” said a source close to the committee leadership. “Why not Obama?”