Skip the Children’s Instagram Pageant Kids need to know their parents are paying close attention to them, not playing to an audience. By Jennifer L. Taitz
https://www.wsj.com/articles/skip-the-childrens-instagram-pageant-1543175539
‘How many likes did I get?” When I overheard a friend’s 8-year-old daughter ask how her back-to-school portrait had performed on her mother’s Instagram, my heart fell. No child should grow up believing life is a continuous popularity contest judged on social media.
I have two toddlers myself and people ask why I don’t post their photos. I’ll admit it’s tempting: Who doesn’t get a dopamine rush from a burst of likes or heart emojis? It’s not surprising that the average mom checks Instagram six times a day, according to the platform’s data. Yet I wonder how parents can navigate sharing while relaying the message that life is about more than presenting the perfect image. In weighing the costs and benefits of social media in my life, I realized that signing up for Instagram would only tempt me to be more superficial.
I also worry about the example I’m setting. Since social-media use is associated with disordered eating and body-image issues, do I want my daughter and son to see me documenting my life and then imitate that behavior? When studies link social-media use with depression and anxiety in young adults, and the average teenager spends nine hours a day in front of a screen, it’s worth considering the impact being visibly tethered to our phones may be having on our kids.
In my mind, healthy living requires participating in the moment in a meaningful way. That’s not easy to do while staging and posting photos, then tracking responses. Robin Berman, one of my favorite psychiatrists and author of “Permission to Parent,” prescribes looking at your children with “hearts in your eyes”: truly seeing who they are with warmth. But it’s difficult to appreciate a child’s inner world from the vantage point of an iPhone camera.
Your social-media feed may be full of kids bearing toothy smiles, but will these children be grinning when they reflect back on their meticulously documented childhoods? Since my toddlers have no idea I’ll be broadcasting a photo I’ve taken of them, it doesn’t seem fair for me to do so. If I were a teenager today, I think I’d be furious if my parents had spent my early years urging me to pose for anyone scrolling.
As a psychologist who teaches people how to regulate their emotions, I can imagine the young girl I overheard sitting on my therapy couch a decade from now, describing how her well-meaning mother chronicled her every move for a distant audience rather than paying close attention to her.
Who could blame her? Every family portrait I’ve scheduled has felt stressful. My toddlers want to run around, not pose. I also value authenticity. One of the few instances I’ve felt compelled to give someone the middle finger was when a man shouted at me: “Smile, baby!” Spending too much time asking kids to grin sends the message that they’re better off suppressing their true feelings and putting on a happy face.
Accessorizing my children to garner praise on social media feels selfish. I would never force my daughter to wear an itchy leopard bow. I would never be a pageant mom. Why would I become an Instagram mom?
Ms. Taitz is a clinical psychologist and author of “How to Be Single and Happy” and “End Emotional Eating.”
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