(SATIRE)California Mandates All Food Must Be Consumed Through IV To Ensure Masks Are Never Removed
SACRAMENTO, CA—In order to save lives and also because of science, Governor Gavin Newsom of California announced today that all restaurant food consumed in the state must come from an IV bag or feeding tube to ensure diners never have to remove their masks while dining.
“Unlike some people who hate science and want people to die, we here in California love science and don’t want people to die,” said Newsom during the announcement. “The most effective way in the world to prevent death is to wear a cloth on your face and never take it off, even when eating. This highly scientific new mandate will help Californians enjoy their food without ever removing their masks!”
Those who are looking for just a light snack will be able to insert a catheter directly into their veins and get a continuous drip of nutritional fluid. For those looking for a heartier meal like steak and potatoes, restaurants will now be required to put the entire meal in a blender and push it through a surgically installed feeding tube directly into the diner’s stomach.
“We believe this is a modest and reasonable measure we all must take to ensure masks stay on and nobody ever dies ever again,” said California Health Secretary Mark Ghaly. “Plus, it’s totally scientific, which of course is the most important thing here.”
Researchers in California confirmed they are working on a mask that can be surgically attached to a person’s face so they will never have to worry about removing it again.
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