RUTHFULLY YOURS

https://babylonbee.com/news/10-essential-life-skills-your-kid-wiII

The Babylon Bee is here to put parents’ minds at ease with the following list of critical life skills their kids will learn at an Ivy League school:

The Babylon Bee is here to put parents’ minds at ease with the following list of critical life skills their kids will learn at an Ivy League school:

1.How to plagiarize dissertations: Learn from the real experts.

2.How to pitch a Coleman pup tent purchased from Walmart by George Soros: Those little poles can be tricky, so learning how to assemble them is a big deal.
3.How to chant in unison by repeating whatever the leader just chanted: Few things prepare students for life in the world than doing exactly what everyone around them is doing.
4,How to hate all the bad people: And by “all the bad people,”we mean whoever you’re told to hate.

5.How to have drug-induced gay sex for Palestine: The residents of Gaza are sure to be truly appreciative and will in no way want to throw participants off of rooftops.
6.How to have an opinion on conflicts between countries you’re not able to locate on a map: You don’t have to know where it’s happening, why, or who is involved to know that one side is totally wrong.
7.How to make your parents reconsider their deeply held liberal values: In just a couple more decades, liberal education will build America into a solidly conservative nation.

How to leverage a degree that costs you $5ooK into a lucrative job selling overpriced coffee.
How to treat STDs in the field: You never know what new disease you may wake up with each morning, so knowing how to treat them is key.

10.It’s plain to see that an Ivy League education is just as valuable and respectable today as it ever was. Don’t worry about what your kids are learning, because it’ll shape them into integral, productive members of Palestinian society.

https://issuesinsights.com/2023/06/13/headlines-were-never-going-to-see-in-our-lifetime/

They say that fiction writers have it tough these days because no matter how imaginative they try to be, tomorrow’s headlines will top whatever they come up with today. We politely disagree. There are some headlines that we are 100% certain will never appear in print or online in any “mainstream” publication. Here’s a sampling. Feel free to use the comment section below to suggest others we missed. We’ll post the ones we agree will never see the light of day.

“Scientists Blame Climate Crisis For Unusually Mild Weather“
“Washington Post Wins Pulitzer for Exposing Biden Corruption“
“Transgender Woman Charged With Hate Crime in Men’s Room Mass Shooting“
“Sloth and Gluttony Added to Months Celebrating Cardinal Sins“
“D.C. Memorial to 45th and 47th President Set to Open Next Week“
“Berkeley Suspends Students for Disrupting Conservative Speaker“
“Teachers Union Announces It Will No Longer Donate to Political Candidates“
“MSNBC Documentary About EVs — ‘Rape of the Planet’ — To Air Next Week“

https://pjmedia.com/culture/megan-fox/2023/01/14/miss-universe-is-the-weirdest-thing-youll-see-all-week-n1661884

None of us actually watch the Miss Universe pageant, do we? I don’t. But I opened Twitter this morning, and the videos that greeted me had me scratching my head wondering: what is this bizarre display of weirdness and why is it part of a beauty contest? Is it a prank? A hoax? A troll? A joke?

But it’s real!

The Miss Universe pageant–which proclaims to find the most beautiful woman every year in the entire universe, but only has contestants from planet Earth (disappointing)–has incorporated some kind of “dress like your country took a hit of acid and hired RuPaul to make your outfit” event. Maybe it’s because it’s being held in New Orleans. Is it “dress like a parade float”? I don’t know.

What even is this?

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-administration-to-provide-grief-counselors-at-all-gas-pumps

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to help alleviate pain at the pump, the Biden Administration has announced a $1 billion initiative to provide grief and trauma counselors to stand by at all gas pumps across the nation.

The plan will fund licensed therapists and psychiatrists to stand at the ready at gas pumps from New York to California to comfort people mourning the loss of hundreds of dollars every time they fill up their tanks.

“There, there. It’s gonna be OK,” said one grief counselor as a woman filled up her VW at a gas pump in California. “Times like these can be difficult to cope with, but we can survive Putin’s Price Hike if we look deep within ourselves for strength and guidance. Now, let’s try some breathing exercises.”

Another woman in Ohio burst into tears after paying over $3 for gas for the first time in her life.

“Shhh, shhh, it’s OK, honey,” said one therapist, stroking her hair. “You’re going through the stages of grief. Soon, you’ll learn to live with $10 gas. You literally won’t even remember when gas was as cheap as it was during the Trump administration.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-employees-now-required-to-wear-chastity-belts

NEW YORK—Following a slew of sexual misconduct allegations concerning staff,
CNN has been forced to take extreme action to repair its image. The interim president has announced that henceforth, all CNN employees must wear chastity belts at all times.

“I know everyone wants to sleep with me, Jim Acosta,” said Jim Acosta. “But this seems like overkill.”

“I have never done anything wrong, ever,” said Jake Tapper. “I’m not sure why this is necessary.” 

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” said Brian Stelter sporting his new metal chastity belt. “We take sexual misconduct seriously at CNN, that’s why we have all gladly locked ourselves away, lest we be tempted.”

“We considered a multitude of options, but none of them made as much sense as simply placing a giant cage and metal padlock over every employee’s genitals.” said new CNN interim President Michael Bass. “Some have called this measure overkill, and inconvenient—I call it necessary.”

The keys to the belts have all been given to their spouses for safekeeping. “I can’t tell what this move has done for our marriage,” said Brian Stelter’s wife. “Knowing that my Brian is not acting up in the office has given me tremendous peace of mind.”

At publishing time, CNN was forced to up their requirement to force all employees to wear straight jackets to prevent staff from getting ‘handsy’ in the breakroom.

https://babylonbee.com/video/10

Join Tim Apple as he reveals iPhone 13. The first phone to force you to be vaccinated… or else. Apple: Think different.

https://amgreatness.com/2021/09/18/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-mark-milley/

It has been fascinating to follow the recent career of General Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, an advisory body of military commanders that, by law, lies outside the chain of command. It’s not clear Milley knows that. Being a thoroughly modern major general, he seems to be more interested in blockading “white rage” than honing the fighting skills of our military. 

So I was edified to see that Milley has put down some of his thoughts in a new Art of War. It is a very different sort of book from the Chinese classic by Sun Tzu. 

It is not just that Sun Tzu was interested in winning wars and prevailing over the enemy. He also understood that his country had enemies and that it was important to be able to distinguish effectively between friends and enemies. “I will force the enemy to take our strength for weakness, and our weakness for strength,” he wrote in one famous passage, “and thus will turn his strength into weakness.”

Milley has turned that old-fashioned “binary” idea on its head—he deconstructed it, you might say, and implicitly showed how out of sync with our times poor old Sun Tzu is. 

Of course, Sun Tzu did not know about telephones, Twitter, Facebook, or systemic racism, so he would have been unable to comprehend the postmodern wisdom of Milley’s aperçus. “If you think you might attack an enemy,” the general writes, “pick up the phone and give ’em a heads up. It’s only fair.” Brilliant!

Another morsel: “If you surrender, you can never lose.” Why didn’t Sherman or Grant think of that? 

Some of Milley’s wisdom has a very contemporary application, to wit: “When retreating, leave most of your armaments behind so you know what you’ll be up against next time.” Good advice, right? 

Disneyland is reopening its Snow White ride to howls of protest from the Woke mob. How can she consent to Prince Charming’s kiss when she isn’t awake? #MeToo. Presumably, she’d prefer to be asleep forever than to be kissed without prior written authorization.

Frankly, I find the whole story problematic:

The very name – Snow White – suggests a connection between whiteness and purity. What about calling her Diversity Rainbow?

All of the characters are Caucasians – no dwarfs of color. It makes non-whites invisible.

Why does a man have to kiss Snow White? Why not another princess?

What’s the backstory on the Wicked Queen? Perhaps her issues arose from being dominated by a white patriarchal culture.

None of the characters are trans. Maybe Dopey and Sneezy transitioned from giants.

The dwarfs were miners. What about their carbon footprint? Noise pollution? Unsafe working conditions? Were they even unionized?

Everything doesn’t have to go. When Diversity Rainbow entered the Dwarfs’ cottage, she was homeless – and it’s good to raise awareness of their plight.

Call rewrite. We need a new script from the author of “Heather Has Two Mommies.”

https://amgreatness.com/2021/03/25/the-self-parody-of-joe-bidens-press-conference/

There is absolutely no crisis at the southern border, and Trump caused it. Also Trump wanted small children to die at the border. I don’t. That’s just another reason people say I’m a good person.

Despite what you’ve heard, there is no surge of immigration. There’s just springtime, man. The fact that we need to open up military facilities to house this influx, well, that just shows what a fine job we are doing correcting Trump’s problems.

By the way, those immigrants aren’t streaming across our border because I’m a good guy and Trump is a bad guy, although that’s 100 percent true. They aren’t coming because of anything I said as a candidate, either, like telling the world I would suspend deportations for 100 days and stop construction of the border wall. No, it’s just springtime, plus bad conditions in Central America. C’mon, man, nobody can do anything about springtime. But we can do something about Central America. We can fix it. My suggestion is street lamps. Trump didn’t think of that. I did.

I am a man of the Senate and deeply respect that body. That’s why we have to change it in fundamental ways. Take the filibuster. It’s a relic of Jim Crow. If you support it, then you must be a vicious racist. Now, just because the filibuster is a malicious relic of America’s racist history doesn’t mean we should abolish it. No. We should just modify it. That way, we’ll dilute the racism a little bit.

I believe in comity and bipartisanship. That’s why I say that the Republican position on the voting-rights bill is the most racist thing since the Confederates fired on Fort Sumter. That was not a good thing, either. It led to a lot of testiness. Republicans don’t know that.

I believe in government transparency. That’s why we really want to let journalists see the border facilities . . . at some undetermined future date. I say, “There’s no rush.” Let’s wait ‘til we’ve fixed things up a bit. When will that be? It’s kinda hard to say, but I’m guessing sometime in the future.