RUTHFULLY YOURS

https://babylonbee.com/news/joe-biden-wins-the-nobel-peace-prize-for-his-incredible-first-day-as-president

SWEDEN—According to sources in the media, President Biden had an incredible first day in office. After signing executive orders to end racism, global warming, and Republican domestic terrorism, the Norwegian Nobel Committee agreed that this was possibly the best first day in office of any president in history. To recognize this groundbreaking achievement, Biden will be awarded the Nobel Prize in all 6 categories:

Physics – For miraculously causing the sea levels to lower by signing the Paris Climate Accord
Chemistry – For his incredible chemistry with the American people 
Medicine – For administering life-saving vaccines to millions of people after Trump selfishly hoarded them in his basement 
Literature – For writing some of the most compelling speeches and most beautiful tweets ever written
Peace – For ensuring a peaceful transfer of power with 30,000 National Guard troops
Economic Sciences – For raising the minimum wage– something no one has ever tried before

“This is astounding. It feels so good to finally have a competent president again,” said White House Correspondent Jim Acosta with a tear in his eye.

Biden was scheduled to give an acceptance speech but was rushed to the hospital after swallowing one of the Nobel Prize medals.

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-criticized-for-loudly-denouncing-incoming-administration-and-not-just-spying-on-them-like-a-normal-president

President Trump is taking heavy criticism for loudly denouncing the incoming Biden administration and not just spying on them as other presidents have done in the past. The nation is demanding that Trump remain “presidential” by appearing to say nice things about the incoming president and secretly try to undermine his next four years in office.

https://babylonbee.com/news/lets-all-remain-peaceful-says-trump-in-clear-incitement-to-violence

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A review of Trump’s statements last week made it clear that he was inciting violence, as he very clearly told people to “remain peaceful” and not carry out any violence.

The dangerous cult leader encouraged his followers to protest at the Capitol, but to remain peaceful, which is an obvious instance of inciting violence, according to leading language experts and journalists.

“Let’s all remain peaceful,” he said, which clearly meant, “Go burn down the Capitol Building.”

“No violence!” added the deranged lunatic, which, according to the New York Times, was a dog whistle for “Minions, attack!”

“Go home,” he added, which meant, “Keep pressing the attack! We will not be defeated! Blow stuff up!”

At publishing time, Trump had said, “I’ve always encouraged peaceful protesting,” which meant he wanted his followers to go ransack an Arby’s.