MARK STEYN: WE ARE NOT CUTTING IT
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MARK STEYN
Not Cutting It
A few weeks ago, Zachary Christie of Newark, in Joe Biden’s Grand Duchy of Delaware, joined the Cub Scouts. In the course of so doing, he acquired one of those combination knife-fork-spoon utensils that come in so useful when you’re tucking in to a hearty meal round the campfire. Zachary is only six so he can’t be blamed for not knowing that the Scouts are systemically homophobic and that it’s dangerous to sit round campfires without wearing protective gear at a distance of at least 200 yards and with a federally licensed fire-control operative supervising the conflagration.
But six-year old Zachary is to blame for finding his knife-fork-spoon utensil so cool he decided one October morn to take it to school to eat lunch with it. Knives are banned. Because they’re weapons. The first-grader was summoned to a disciplinary-committee hearing and sentenced to at least 45 days in reform school. Don’t get mad at the “educators.†“We have to follow the policy as it is written consistently because this is the code of conduct that is applied to all of our students in our district,†droned the School District spokesdrone, Wendy E. Lapham.
Indeed. This is the same Christina School District that in April attempted to expel sixth-grader Kasia Haughton. Kasia took a cake to school for her fellow students, and, in helping her pack it, her grandmother helpfully put a knife in the bag. Her teacher placed the cake on the desk, used the knife to cut it, passed round the slices, and then reported Kasia for bringing a “deadly weapon†to school. The grandmother packed the knife. The teacher used the knife. Kasia never touched it. But, like those hapless Thai tourists who foolishly agree to serve as couriers of prohibited substances, she’s the one who has to swing for it. As the self-same spokesdrone Wendy E. Lapham droned on this occasion, any knife three inches or longer is classified as a deadly weapon. Have to follow the policy. Can’t make any exceptions. Despite having undergone years of expensive credentialization to qualify to serve in positions of authority, School District officials are prohibited by law from exercising any discretion, using any judgment, demonstrating any sense of proportion, or displaying other qualities hitherto associated with sentient human beings.
A cake knife is not a “deadly weaponâ€: It is a kitchen utensil. To cite another case, a plastic fireman’s ax is not a deadly weapon or even a deadly utensil: It is a toy. Wouldn’t any responsible adult feel a sense of shame at doing what the Christina School District does to Zachary Christie and Kasia Haughton? Well, sure, but what you gonna do? You could make like the Japanese and fall on your ceremonial sword, but unfortunately the School Board classifies three-inch plastic knives as “ceremonial swords†and they don’t really do the job.
In my travails with Canada’s “human rights†commissions, I find myself increasingly struck by the regime’s less likely targets — for example, the gay b&b owner with sinusitis subject to a “human rights†complaint from a blind diabetic with a seeing-eye dog. Wow. Who’s the good guy there? Silly question: It’s the government as sole legitimate arbiter of societal conduct. If the law is a ass (Dickens), micro-regulation is one giant ass pocked with a million oozing pustules and dropped on you from a great height — and so crushing that, in the Christina School District, spokesapparatchiks seem befuddled when asked why even their most basic human impulses no longer function. Regulation strips law of the “reasonable man†standard. There is nothing “reasonable†because there is no longer reason: The School District officials are forbidden (even if they’re still capable) to reason that a person in possession of a knife and cake might reasonably be intending the former to assist in the division of the latter. Instead, all must submit to the diktat of regulation.
Unless, of course, you’re a Sikh. Sikhs like to carry their traditional kirpans — knives up to eight inches — and the New York City Board of Education and the Supreme Court of Canada, among many others, have ruled that boys are permitted to take them to school. Why? Because, in the ideological hierarchy, multiculturalism trumps “safety.†A cake knife is a “deadly weapon†but a deadly weapon is merely the Sikh symbol for “the power of truth to cut through untruth.†If that isn’t reason to ban it from public schools, I don’t know what is. Nevertheless, if you’re taking a cake to school, ask a Sikh classmate to cut it up for you. And be grateful that the FDA hasn’t yet classified the cake as a deadly weapon.
Can such a society survive? I doubt it. After all, if you raise your young in such a world, what sort of adults do they grow into? A couple of years back, a neighbor’s kid was given a plastic sword and shield as a birthday present. Mom refuses to let her boy play with “militaristic†toys, so she confiscated the sword but, in a moment of weakness, let him keep the shield. And for a while, on my drive down to town, I’d pass the li’l tyke in the yard playing with his beloved shield, mastering the art of cringing and cowering against unseen blows from all directions. In a hyper-regulated world, it’s a useful skill to acquire. But I’m not sure it will be enough.
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