PAM MEISTER; A PAGE FROM BARACK’S DIARY
October 26, 2009
Exclusive: A Page from Barack Obama’s Diary: I Have a Third World Dream
Pam Meister
Dear Diary,
I just declared swine flu a national emergency. Another crisis. Hooray!
I know it’s been a while since I’ve had time to write, but I’ve been really, really busy, ineffectively stumping for Democrat candidates stumping for Democrat candidates in tough economic times, planning to cede our sovereignty to the UN and fighting the war. No, not the war in Afghanistan – why do you think I received that Nobel Peace Prize? It’s not just because of my pretty face. Besides, the enlisted men do all the dirty work. No, I’m talking about the war on Fox News.
I’m so relieved that Michelle has the girls’ musical education in hand – they’re sure to learn a lot with all of those concerts we’re soaking the American taxpayer for we’re sponsoring at the White House. That gives me time to do the really important things, like deciding which news organization is really a news organization. Who better than a community organizer, a man of the people, to make these important decisions? And while I keep hearing people talking about the First Amendment, I have only one thing to say: I won. Get over it.
And darn it all if the other press pool members had to go and mess things up by standing up for Major Garrett of Fox “News†when we tried to shut him out of an interview opportunity with Kenneth Feinberg, my exalted Pay Czar. I thought they knew which side their bread was buttered on! They didn’t say anything for weeks while my minions and I were busy bashing Fox – on their own networks too! – so you can’t really blame me for thinking an official boycott of Fox was in the bag. I was so surprised that I dared to criticize Michelle’s arugula soufflé that night – something I won’t be doing again in a big hurry.
Seriously – if the other media outlets start questioning me and my motives, I might as well head back to Chicago now.
You see, Diary, I have a dream: a dream where we are not judged by how successful we are, but by how we are all equally miserable. I have what I like to call a Third World Dream. In the third world, most people aren’t worried about having the nicest car or the latest iPhone or a closet full of Juicy Couture. No, in the third world, people are more worried about just getting enough to eat each and every day. That keeps them so busy that they don’t have any time to get caught up in the consumerism that plagues America today – and is responsible for much of the misery in other nations around the world. Just look at how pristine the environment is where these Zimbabwean women are sitting! And isn’t it great that there isn’t a weight problem in nations like Cuba? We wouldn’t need to bother with a soda tax if everyone had ration cards – although believe me, I never met a tax I didn’t like.
I’ve been criticized for not helping my brother George get out of his hut in Kenya, where he lives on about a dollar a month. Well, if truth be told, I’m just a little bit jealous of George. He doesn’t have the worries that I have, both as President (you did hear I won, didn’t you?) and as one of those greedy, uncaring American consumers. He lives a carefree life – no annoying house repairs to deal with, no cable bills, no tacky knick knacks cluttering up the place that he’d just end up having to dust. Nope, he’s living the real dream! Unfortunately, as President, I just can’t take on a devil-may-care attitude and toss everything to the wind. I have responsibilities. I have more memoirs to write (well, maybe Bill Ayers can help me out again). I have Air Force One!
How do I make my dream come true? To start, I’m having Ken Feinberg cut the salaries of bank CEOs who accepted bailout money take a 90 percent pay cut. That’ll fix their greedy, capitalist wagons! And if those CEOs think they can go work for another bank, think again: the Fed is proposing bank pay guidelines across the board. Plus, my pal Chuckie Schumer had a great idea about limiting compensation for everybody in private enterprise.
Add all of this to my takeover of the auto industry and my plans for lowering energy consumption by killing jobs and raising taxes and we’re more than halfway there. But I have to do something about the media. As I discovered to my dismay, they won’t always be there to shine my shoes with their spittle. Perhaps I’ll take a page from my BFF Hugo’s book and start taking over those outlets whose content is damaging to my agenda.
Now that’s the hope and change I can really dig! Time to check on Joe Biden – we let him out of his pen every once in a while…
Pam Meister is the editor of FamilySecurityMatters.org.
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