GOOD MORNING IMPERIALIST DOGS….A SATIRE
Exclusive: An Important Message from Brigadier General Ahmad Mighani
Satire by Shawn Goodwin
Good day, imperialist dogs. My name is Brigadier General Ahmad Mighani of the Iranian Revolutionary Guards and I am here to deliver a message of doom to the West. Our exalted President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would have brought this message himself, but since today is his weekly back waxing, that duty falls to me. Between you and me, the president is a very hairy man – his nickname is Chewbacca, but I digress. For far too long, the peaceful Islamic Republic of Iran has been subjugated to scorn, ridicule, and threats from the United States and its allies. The Zionists, specifically, have threatened our peaceful nuclear program and they have forced us to prepare for their rumored attack:
Iran’s armed forces launched large-scale air defense war games on Sunday to show off the country’s deterrence capabilities in the face of pressure from the West over its nuclear program. The display of military muscle comes at a time of rising tension between Iran and six major powers, which fear Tehran’s nuclear program is aimed at producing nuclear weapons. Tehran denies this is the program’s purpose.
Of course we deny that this is the program’s purpose! Our nuclear program is a peaceful one, and is designed for peaceful purposes. We are currently working on a number of initiatives that will make Iran, and by extension the world, a much safer place. For example, Tehran has seen an increase in automobile accidents of late. Most of these accidents are of the auto versus camel variety, and occur during the evening hours. Utilizing the pinnacle of 1972 technology, our scientists are crafting enriched uranium into “camel bumpers.†(Iran patented the term “camel bumper†and owns all of its subsidiary rights.) These bumpers are harnessed to the camel, and due to the radioactivity, glow bright enough to be seen from Mars. Problem solved.
The West, unfortunately, believes that we will be using our newfound nuclear prowess for evil applications. America and Israel are claiming that my country is developing nuclear weapons. Nothing could be further from the truth, and as the infidels can plainly see, we are conducting war games using strictly conventional weapons. To wit:
Iran’s elite Revolutionary Guards and military forces jointly started five days of maneuvers in various parts of the Islamic state, Brigadier General Ahmad Mighani said, according to state television.
“It is the biggest war game, which takes place over an area 600,000 sq km (230,000 sq miles). The aim of this war game is to promote military power of the armed forces against any attack,” the television quoted Mighani as saying.
Actually, ours is the second largest war game. The biggest war game is Risk: The Game of Strategic Conquest. The Iranian citizens do not have access to it, because the game board shows Israel. Make no mistake; the filthy goats at Hasbro will suffer greatly for that. Defense representatives like me can purchase a modified version, where Israel and the United States are removed with the help of Infidel-Out correctional fluid.
Unlike Risk, however, our military games are deadly serious. Three specific plans have been developed in the event of an infidel attack. The first plan, named “Operation Aladdin,†calls for the revamping of the Iranian Air Force and the development of a sustained air assault of Israel using our newest weapon: the flying carpet. Scoff if you must, but our technicians have developed a self-propelled floor covering that can be outfitted with air-to-air and air-to-surface missiles. It is highly maneuverable and sleek in style. This rug looks a million times better than the one atop William Shatner’s head! Operation Aladdin will be successful because our carpets are undetectable to radar and can be deployed at a moment’s notice – as long as they are not being steam cleaned at the time.
The second plan is entitled “Operation Pork Belly.†This plan has been designed to stealthily smuggle forces into Israel. Our army corps of engineers is constructing a 50-foot tall armored swine, armed to the teeth with rockets, mortars, and scalding hot bacon grease. The swine can safely and easily transport 300 soldiers up to 3,000km, which will cover the trip to the Zionist homeland. The beauty of Operation Pork Belly is its unassuming nature. No one would expect the Iranian military to traverse the desert in the stomach of a pig. We will use the element of surprise to our advantage, and spring our trap when the time is right – or when the built-in thermometer pops up, whichever comes first.
The final plan, coded “Operation Jerry Lewis,†is a take upon the age-old French strategy. Our country will build several stationary bunkers across the border in the hopes that it will slow down any ground assault. When the infidels simply detour around the bunkers, we will employ the second-most popular French tactic. We will raise our arms, yell “Hey Lady!†and surrender unconditionally. Naturally, Operation Jerry Lewis will only be implemented as a last resort.
Using one of these battle plans – or a combination of the three – Iran will prove its mettle to the world. We will no longer sit on the sidelines like a 98-pound weakling. We are getting into the game, and are about to kick sand in the faces of the infidels! Allah knows we have enough of it in this country.
FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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