A HILARIOUS SPOOF: AN ADOPT-A-TERRORIST PROGRAM
A female Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the
government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System
facilities.
She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions
were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens
like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department
of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for
Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your
personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire
some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to
ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with
those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will
help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and
home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in
hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple
items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him
to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his
culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we’ll be
watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O’Connor
Minister of National Defense
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