CLAUDIA ROSETT: BROWSING THE BIG CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE….JUST PLAIN BRILLIANT
http://www.forbes.com/2009/12/23/christmas-obama-climate-change-opinions-columnists-claudia-rosett.html
Freedom’s Edge
A Bureaucratic Christmas
Claudia Rosett, 12.24.09, 12:00 AM ET
‘Twas the week before Christmas, and with the East coast buried in snow, I was doing some last-minute gift shopping from home, surfing the online catalogs. The room was warm, and in the background the TV news muttered on–the Copenhagen climate summit, the Senate health care bill, the protests and nuclear projects in Iran.
I dozed off, and lo! I dreamt that I was standing at the doors of a shopping emporium labeled Gems of Our Time. I walked in, and found myself surrounded by display cases and towering bookshelves, jammed with documents, boxes and curious artifacts. A smiling clerk came toward me and handed me a glossy guide to the collection–and at that moment, suddenly, and much too soon, I woke up, jarred perhaps by my nose hitting the keyboard. The dream faded. But in this season of miracles, I found that I still had, clutched in my hand, the catalog from this strange shop. Here are a few highlights culled from its offerings, big and small, indispensable both as records of the recent past and a guide to what lies ahead:
The Dear Kim Stationery Collection. President Obama has become the third consecutive U.S. president to write a personal letter to North Korea’s Kim Jong Il. What’s in it, we don’t yet know. But if Kim Jong Il can luxuriate in a stack of Oval Office stationery, why shouldn’t you? Every sheet of creamy, thick writing paper in this handsome collection includes an embossed presidential seal, a greeting to the Dear Leader and plenty of blank space beneath, so you can fill in the text of this engaging correspondence as it becomes available.
It comes with an authentic chunk of demolition debris from the North Korean Yongbyon-reactor-complex cooling tower, which at a cost of $2.5 million to U.S. taxpayers was pointlessly blown up in a Potemkin display of disarmament in 2008. Handy as a paperweight, and a guaranteed conversation starter. (See our affiliated clothing outlets for a selection of lead undergarments).
United Nations Security Council Sanctions Resolutions on Iran. The Boxed Set. These can be hard to find on the U.N. Web site, because the Security Council politely refrains in its heading and main link from making any reference to Iran; instead, you have to look under “Resolution 1737 (2006).” That’s why we cruise the U.N. Web site–so you don’t have to. Numbering four (so far), these resolutions have been hand-sewn by our in-house craftsmen into U.N.-blue bindings, the pages interleaved with photos of Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking from U.N. stages in Rome, Geneva, Copenhagen and–for the past five consecutive years–the main stage of the General Assembly in New York.
As an accessory, we offer a mouse pad that replicates in exquisite miniature the design of the big silk carpet presented by Iran this past February to the U.N. offices in Geneva. The U.N. keeps the original prominently displayed on the wall of one of its main halls, next to an explanatory plaque celebrating the 30th anniversary of Iran’s Islamic revolution.
U.N. Sanctions Resolutions on North Korea. Another Boxed Set. Finding these on the U.N. Web site is likewise difficult, the main caption being “Resolution 1718 (2006).” Again, we do it for you. This collection is smaller than the Iran set, with only two sanctions resolutions to date. But they come with the kick that each has followed an actual nuclear test–one in 2006, and one in 2009. Beautifully displayed inside a music box, which, when opened, plays odes to Kim Jong Il and includes, embedded in the lid, a color photo of Kim and Bill Clinton, posing together this past August in Pyongyang. For customers ordering from areas outside U.S. jurisdiction, we also provide a gold-framed collection of North Korean-made counterfeit $100 bills; we regret that our American clients must obtain these through other channels.
The Copenhagen Collection. For the ultimate in climate cool, our hand-crafted, limited edition. This costs extra, because shipping fees include the purchase of carbon offsets from a defunct Soviet washing machine factory near Novosibirsk. But this exciting mix of documents, DVDs and polar bear outfits delivers the Copenhagen climate experience right to your door. Highlights include U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon’s op-ed on climate change as the cause of genocide in Sudan, Al Gore’s movie and Nobel lecture, and souvenir drink coasters from the poolside bar at the 2007 U.N. climate conference on Bali. Comes with two highball glasses, in which you can see ice melt without ever having to leave home. (Climategate e-mails not included).
Congressional Stimulus and Budget Bills: Sold by weight, these are available in beautifully boxed portions of 5, 10, 20 or 50 pounds each. Why settle for old-fashioned fruitcake when you can enjoy these 2009 trillion-dollar variations, jammed with more nuts, plums and bacon than anything your mamma ever made?
Health care bill. Sealed in a X-ray-proof lead box and covered in a hand-sewn, opaque velvet presentation cloth, this hefty item comes with a free stethoscope–because once this bill becomes law, you are going to have to get used to administering your own medical care. Big enough to double as a tuffet, this item comes with castors fitted underneath, so if you want to take it along while queuing for your universal health care and end-of-life counseling sessions, you can use it as a personal, rolling seat. Why stand in line when you can sit?
Rescue Kit: For this do-it-yourself collection, we offer no fancy packaging whatsoever. This kit consists of the U.S. Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution, printed on ordinary, multipurpose paper, stapled at the upper- left-hand corner. Good luck.
Catalog Note: While the accessories listed here may be available only in your dreams, the documents are all real.
Claudia Rosett, a journalist-in-residence with the Foundation for Defense of Democracies, writes a weekly column on foreign affairs for Forbes.com.
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