RALPH PETERS: A HILARIOUS SPOOF ON NPR AND HAMAS
http://www.familysecuritymatters.org/publications/id.8953/pub_detail.asp
Gaza Strip — Newly installed in her Gaza City office, National Public Radio’s Vice News Chief (Oppression and Victimization Department) Consuela “Muffy” Leer-Geist looks right at home. Generously granting her first on-site interview to FSM, Ms. Leer-Geist wore a tasteful chador, set off with a stunning Sweetbriar-logo headscarf (black is always correct). Her half-veil, designed by bad-boy fashionista John Galliano, completed an outfit that can only be described as a cutting-edge fashion statement that also displays cultural empathy.
Picking at her chickpea salad (and careful to use only her right hand), NPR’s reigning regional news-doyenne put down the script over which she’d been chuckling and opened our conversation:
“Salaam aleikum,” she smiled.
“Ms. Leer-Geist, may we ask the subject of that script? It must be hilarious.”
She laughed happily and tucked a stray lock of hair back under her scarf. “Oh, it’s just a submission by our new partners…an attempt to set the historical record straight. The working title is ‘Israel: Worse than Hitler’s Germany and Stalin’s Russia combined?’ It’s going to be a great addition to our ongoing dialogue.”
FSM: “The title suggests a certain level of bias.”
Our host chuckled. “Oh, I don’t see it that way at all! I mean, nobody’s comparing Israel to the United States under Bush or anything like that.” Obviously in the best of humor, she leaned closer and confided, “Those Hamas boys are just so playful…always making little jokes. Their first version of the script was called ‘Kill All The Filthy Jews.’ They’re always trying to get a rise out of us.”
FSM: “Getting down to business, which side initiated merger talks, NPR or Hamas?”
NPR: “Oh, we did!” she said promptly and proudly. “Federal funding was always a ball and chain on NPR’s freedom. We just saw a partnership with Hamas as a natural fit. We’re both struggling against oppressive capitalist neo-colonialist powers—Fox News and the IDF.”
FSM: “Aren’t you concerned that Hamas may try to influence your coverage?”
NPR: “Oh, we’re not naïve. Of course, Hamas will try to shape our coverage. They already have. The boys down in the basement—you wouldn’t believe how hard they work, and with all those dangerous chemicals!–are always trying to get us to behave with more restraint, to provide more-balanced coverage. They’re big into credibility. We simply explain that balance isn’t NPR’s mission. Usually, they understand.”
FSM: “Usually?”
NPR: “Well, there was the little Kalashnikov incident two nights ago. But I think they were just letting off steam. Everyone involved got free medical care—terrific Cuban surgeons. And they’ve promised that our missing reporter will show up any minute.”
FSM: “This move came suddenly, to say the least. Won’t you miss Washington?”
NPR: “Miss the sexual repression and the fascist state?” She gestured down the length of her chador. “Western women have been brainwashed by the patriarchy. They don’t understand how liberating it is to be covered from head to toe, how it frees you from being a sexual object. I’m proud to say I went through high school, undergrad—Georgetown, of course—and my master’s program at UC Santa Cruz without a single date. I never gave in to the patriarchal system.” She smiled confidingly. “As for the chador, black’s very slimming. In fact, we’re looking into offering subscribers a chance to win burqas with our logo during our next fund-raiser.”
FSM: “Ms Leer-Geist, many people—even some NPR listeners—might consider Hamas a terrorist organization. Doesn’t taking their money taint you?”
NPR: “What a bigoted, right-wing, Tea-Party, god-and-guns piece of Zionist propaganda! First of all, it isn’t Hamas money at all. Hamas is only the conduit. Every cent we’re taking comes directly from Iran. By way of Syria. And Hezbollah. And Hamas. Furthermore, it’s not the source of funds, but how you use the money that determines the morality of the transaction. For example, if we were to accept funds from Tehran, then—Allah forbid!—use them to support John Boehner, that would be immoral. But if we use them to re-elect Al Franken, what could be more moral than that?”
FSM: “You really believe that the end justifies the means? That’s why this merger occurred? You just needed the money?”
NPR: “Not at all! Hamas and NPR have common interests and common goals. We’re not cynical, like that Zionist provocateur James O’Keefe (he can’t fool us by pretending to have an Irish name). Have you seen the fatwa on him, by the way? Well worth the price…”
FSM: “But Hamas states that its primary goal is the destruction of Israel. Many NPR listeners and contributors are Jewish. Doesn’t the anti-Semitic side of your new partner worry you?”
NPR: “How is the destruction of Israel anti-Semitic? What a naïve question.” She clapped her hands for tea.
FSM: “But what about the contributions from Jewish listeners? Won’t they fall?”
Ms. Leer-Geist laughed gaily. “You think the Tea-Party people are stupid and gullible? Check out the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Anyway, Iran’s willing to bankroll our entire operation. No more boring lunches with boring contributors who under-tip.”
FSM: “A recently departed NPR executive also claimed that America’s newspapers are controlled by Jews. Doesn’t that seem a bit paranoid to you?”
NPR: “‘Paranoid’ describes a psychological state. Psychology and psychiatry were invented by Jews to accelerate the decadence of Western culture and oppress women. Our newspapers are evidence of that.”
FSM: “I can’t follow your logic.”
Ms. Leer-Geist frowned. “You obviously don’t listen to NPR.”
The phone rang. Drawing her head-scarf down tightly over her forehead, our host held up a finger to signal that we should wait, then picked up the receiver.
“NPR-Hamas Information Operations,” she said crisply. “Leer-Geist here. No. No, absolutely not. If the Israelis or the Americans do it, it’s torture. If our people do it, it’s an interview. Yes, that’s right. Just have the sound lab edit out the screams. I want the package ready to go for ‘Allah’s Things Considered.’ Inshallah.”
Hanging up, she said, “These people…sometimes there’s a language barrier.” With a sigh, she rose, revealing the gorgeous drape of her chador—surely, this hot style’s coming to Bloomies sooner, rather than later!
“Got to run,” she told me. “Meeting with Chavez’s money people. ‘Oil’s well that ends well!’” Squelching her merry laughter, she added, “You’ll want to listen in to ‘Weekend Rendition’ on Saturday. We have a great panel on tolerance, chaired by President Ahmedinejad himself—he’s a real get. We’re featuring Khalid Meshal, Eric Holder and a phone-in from Anwar al Awlaqi. Surprise guest, too (hint, hint, think tall guy with a beard: Hope he doesn’t ‘drone’ on, ha ha!).” Calming herself, Ms. Leer-Geist added, “As a matter of fact, we’re in negotiations with Ahmedinejad for a regular Friday feature, “‘What Would the Hidden Imam Do?’” And ‘Car Talk’ has got to go. We’re thinking…maybe advice on how to build IEDs, that sort of thing. You know, ‘Why didn’t my cell phone trigger the bomb? Should I switch to Verizon?’ Something the kids can enjoy, too.”
Just as we shut off our recorder, gunfire erupted out in the street, followed by angry shouts.
Ms. Leer-Geist smiled benevolently. “Aren’t these just the happiest people you’ve ever seen? They can’t contain their exuberance.”
FSM: “One last question?”
NPR: “Shoot.”
FSM: “Interesting word choice, actually. Don’t all the weapons and the gunfire around here trouble you? No one led the fight for gun control more fiercely than NPR. Aren’t you against widespread gun ownership?”
Ms. Leer-Geist didn’t bother smiling this time.
“It all depends on who has the guns,” she said.
Ralph Peters was flown on George Soros’ private jet to and from this hastily arranged “scoop” interview in the Gaza Strip. The NPR rep at the airport assured him that the gunfire from the ground was the local form of welcome. Hamas declined all requests for a follow-up interview with the terse comment, “You may not be Jewish, but you look Jewish to us.”
Family Security Matters Contributing Editor Ralph Peters is a retired Army officer, a former enlisted man, a journalist and a bestselling author. He has experience in seventy countries on six continents. His latest books are “The Officers’ Club,” a novel of the post-Vietnam military, and “Endless War: Middle-Eastern Islam vs. Western Civilization.”
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