RUTHFULLY YOURS

A brothel that benefited from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s (D-Nev.) support of the state’s legalized prostitution industry has offered to throw his retirement party.

The open letter from Sheri’s Ranch in Pahrump congratulates Reid on a “long and successful political career” and says they are “sorry to hear that the Silver State’s most tenacious public servant will not seek reelection in 2016, and your plan to retire from politics.”

“Your work over the years has positively affected the lives of the legal prostitutes of Sheri’s Ranch. You were a strong force in pushing Obamacare and passing the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. This law now provides Nevada’s legal prostitutes (each of them an independent contractor who must acquire their own health insurance) the right to health care. Despite the fact that legal sex workers in Nevada practice only safe sex and must be tested regularly for STD’s and HIV, health insurance was something that licensed working girls were often denied due to the reputation of unlawful prostitution. Thank you for making it illegal for insurance companies to deny Nevada’s legal hookers the right to health care,” the letter continues.

Even though Reid is a Mormon, the open letter says, he championed LGBT rights and fought against sexual orientation workplace discrimination.

“As you may be aware, many of the ladies of Sheri’s Ranch are bisexual and willfully practice a plethora of intimate activities with both male and female clients. We thank you for the peace of mind that comes with knowing that working girls can explore their pan-sexual desires without fear of discrimination,” it continues, with a segue into environmental causes: “As brothel workers who ply our trade in the rural desert areas of Nevada, we applaud your fight against the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste repository. You have fought diligently to keep our backyard, Nye County, as environmentally safe as possible.”

“For these reasons, and for many more not mentioned in this letter, The Resort and Spa at Sheri’s Ranch would be honored if you would consider our brothel the official venue for your 2016 retirement party. We have a beautiful 20 acre property with a hotel and restaurant on-site, and a full time chef, service, and security personnel.”

Pahrump is directly west of Las Vegas, near the California border.

“As far as activities that we can offer attendees, many of your colleagues are intimately aware of our offerings, but we may have added new options since they last visited,” the letter states. “In addition to our VIP sex bungalows, BDSM chamber, and numerous Jacuzzi rooms popular with our friends from the political arena, Sheri’s has recently added a new massage room where your guests can receive full-body nude massages from one (or more) of the two dozen legal prostitutes on the property at any given time.”

“We’re sure that our venue will be a big hit with your friends, family, and co-workers. Heck, a retirement party at Sheri’s may even help lessen the animosity between you and your Republican acquaintances,” they add.

“Again, thank you so much for your years of public service and we anxiously await your reply.”