RUTHFULLY YOURS

Over 80% of the Union’s members took part in the vote, with a massive 13 voting in favour and only 11 voting against. This came after an impassioned plea by CRAP member Professor Angela Ayers-Davis who said:

Since we are boycotting Israel as a racist, colonial, warmongering, apartheid state, it is only fair that we do the same to America. After all, America is illegally occupying an entire continent belonging to the indigenous Native Indian population and more recently Puerta Rico and Hawaii as well as the Mexican land of Texas and California. America is also fighting a racist, illegal, colonial war against Islam in many countries. And of course America has a system of apartheid against its black citizens. 

The CRAP President, Professor Ivor Loudmouth, eloquently laid out the obligations for professors and the consequences of the boycott:

Since we must boycott all academics in America, we must cease all communication between ourselves and our students. We are therefore arranging for the permanent shut-down of all American universities until the occupation, apartheid and all foreign wars end. Moreover, since the boycott obviously applies to all cultural and social interactions this also means that any professors who are married to each other must get divorced immediately. Since we are also encouraging non-academics to observe the boycott those professors who have non-academic partners should also ask their partners – and indeed all other family members – to cease speaking with them. For the sake of optimal family cohesion we recommend that professors remove themselves entirely from the family home and live in isolation. Professors will still be able to carry out their own unfunded independent research. However, whereas in the past they have been able to publish their work in journals run by themselves or their friends, they will now only be able to submit their articles to themselves and they must be rejected on the grounds of the boycott.  CRAP will provide a template for self-rejection letters.

Obviously, the shut down of all American Universities will have an impact on students. In particular, and most disturbingly, they will no longer be able to spend 4 years being indoctrinated with anti-Israel, anti-Western propaganda. President Loudmouth admitted this was one of the major drawbacks of the boycott, but to counter this he said that professors will be allowed to continue their propaganda work in the main stream media since that work never did have any connection to their academic expertise.

In a parallel move the main British academic union – the Federation of Academics Researchers Teachers and Scientists (FARTS) – which had led the way in boycotting Israel, has also voted to extend the boycott to itself. The FARTS President, Professor Andy Semite, announced

Since we are rightly boycotting Israel as a racist, colonial, warmongering, apartheid state, it is only fair that we do the same to Britain. After all Britain is still illegally occupying most commonwealth countries, not to mention Gibraltar and the Falkland Islands. Britain is also fighting a racist, illegal, colonial war against Islam in many countries. And of course Britain has a system of apartheid against its immigrant minorities.

Since the academic unions in most other Western countries are expected to follow suit, another potential drawback will be the shut down of all of the world’s leading academic journals. However, the EU Foreign Affairs Minister Baroness Catherine Ashton noted, there was a major silver lining in this outcome, stating:

This move is to be welcomed because it will finally end the corrupt academic practise whereby superb journals based in third world countries (such as “The Iranian journal of peace studies”, “The Afghan journal of religious tolerance”, and “The North Korean Journal of Economics”) were largely ignored.

Many other scholars – including Professor Stephen Hawking – also pointed out that the 58 Islamic states (none of which would ever have reason to boycott themselves since they are never involved in any aggressive acts and have an impeccable record of tolerance of religious minorities) will finally be recognized for their outstanding achievements in science, engineering and the law. When asked by a reporter to name some of these outstanding achievements Hawking replied that he believed they had disappeared into one of the black holes he had recently observed.