RUTHFULLY YOURS

In case you haven’t slammed your head against a wall today, I’m here to report that Gwyneth Paltrow’s “lifestyle publication,” Goop, is now telling women to put $66 egg-shaped jade gemstones into their vaginas to increase “chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy.”

Oh, and it gets worse: The item is sold out on Goop’s online store — which means that actual people are actually doing this.

(Note: In case you yourself happen to be sitting there with an overpriced rock in your crotch because the lady from Shallow Hal told you to put it there, please, please just know that it’s not a good idea. As Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB/GYN for Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco, told the Washington Post, not only is it “biologically impossible” for a rock to have an effect on your hormones, but it’s also a great way to cause problems like bacterial vaginosis and toxic shock syndrome. Sexy!)

Now, it would be one thing if this were the only stupid idea that Paltrow was offering, but unfortunately, that’s far from the case. She’s also advised women to “steam” their vaginas — which is not only weird and gross, but also yet another thing that doctors warn can cause health problems — and to start every day by drinking a smoothie made up of ingredients that cost approximately $200 . . . and have approximately zero actual proven health benefits.

One of the ingredients in that smoothie, by the way, is “Moon Juice” — which comes in these tiny little jars of what she calls “medicinal grade” (LOL) powder that you can buy on Goop. They come in formulas such as Sex Dust, Brain Dust, Beauty Dust, Spirit Dust, Goodnight Dust, and Action Dust, and cost up to $65 a pop. Much like with the crotch-rocks, it gets worse: All of the formulas I just mentioned are — you guessed it! — sold out.

Come on, people. We’re smarter than this. You don’t need to be a doctor to know that shoving rocks in your vagina or squatting naked over extremely hot water is a terrible idea; pretty much anyone over the age of five could tell you that.

And the most confusing thing about all of this is that no one should want to be like Gwyneth Paltrow. This is a person who, in 2005, told Conan O’Brien that she would “rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup,” and, in 2012, told the Guardian that she doesn’t “like drunk women” because it’s a “bad look,” adding: “I think it’s very inappropriate and I don’t like it.” She is the least fun person ever.

Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow has said that she’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin, but I say that I’d rather smoke crack than invite someone so obnoxiously pretentious and judgmental to my party. People who drink are fine. People who eat tins of cheese and Cup-a-Noodles are fine. And people who want to join me in doing all three in a single night? Well, those are the people who are invited first. Call me crazy, but I’d much rather be an actual human being than some ostentatious moonbat who talks down to women for enjoying booze while spending her own life conning people into spending a fortune on useless hippie crap that’s more likely to bring them medical issues than enlightenment.

— Katherine Timpf is a reporter for National Review Online.