RUTHFULLY YOURS

The first-ever “feminist” mini-golf course debuted recently at Middlebury College’s Kenyon Arena, courtesy of professors and students from a class called “Feminist Building.”

Middlebury College is famous—or infamous– for its unparalleled wokeness. For example, the school’s counseling director purports to believe that all psychological suffering is due to “whiteness, heteronormativity, [and] patriarchal systems.” Alrighty then. Its administrators have promised students that they would do everything in their power to prevent conservative speakers from coming to campus. (Middlebury students rioted when Charles Murray attempted to give a talk there.)

According to the Addison County Independent, the feminist golf course consists of 11 holes, each of which focuses on a “reproductive justice” topic such as “foster care, incarceration, abortion, contraception, sex education [and] crisis pregnancy centers.” Fun for the whole family! Course design director Rayn Bumstead stated, “The places where reproductive injustices occur are all around us, which means that possibilities for resistance are also all around us.” (Especially on hole number 3!)

Valley News dutifully reported: “[A]s players traversed the hand-built greens, putting balls through landscapes built to replicate sites where reproductive issues play out — a hospital, a kitchen, a courthouse, a classroom, a bar — they were confronted with manifestations of feminist ideas that were grounded in physicality.” A kitchen?

Yes. At the hole dubbed “Care Work,” participants must hold a baby doll “while putting their golf ball through a makeshift kitchen.” Because?

But there are other notable holes, of course. To wit, hole 6 offers players two entrances — one to an abortion clinic and the other to a crisis pregnancy center. The latter has “an infinitely more difficult putting trajectory” because it “articulate[s] the impact of crisis pregnancy centers, which aim to discourage people from getting abortions.” Which, of course, is bad.

And then there is hole number 10, which is akin to a jail because, as we all know, “the story of incarceration is one of violence: forced separation from children, being shackled while giving birth, loss of parental rights, forced sterilization, criminalization of Black mothers, immigrant detention, complete rejection of bodily autonomy.” Um, what is abortion but the most violent, permanent, forced “separation” from children, albeit a voluntary one?

Middlebury and Dagwood Rayn Bumstead are either on something or onto something. Think of the possibilities progressive-themed mini-golf courses provide!  Soon there will be transgender mini golf courses, bisexual mini golf courses, atheist mini golf courses, etc., etc., ad infinitum. The mind boggles contemplating the staggering potential inclusiveness.

I want to design these holes and courses. One question, though: why does Middlebury’s feminist course consist of only 11 holes? Surely American college progressives can conjure up enough grievances and “teaching moments” to fill out a standard 18-hole course, no?

Anyway, the golf balls wouldn’t be white, that is a given. I envision rainbow-colored balls. The grips on the clubs would be rainbow-colored, too. Scorecards would have phrases like, “Everybody loves a hole-in-one!” and “It’s fun to put your balls in all our holes!”

There could be an automatic one-stroke penalty for being white, another for being male, a third for being a Christian, and yet another for having voted for Trump. It would then be impossible for a white Christian MAGA male to make par! That’ll show the patriarchy! Alternately, par could be adjusted for intersectionality. For example, on a given hole, par could be 1 for a white Christian MAGA male, 2 for, say, a male Latino or Asian, 3 for a straight woman of color, 4 for a lesbian member of the BIPOC community, and 5 for a non-binary, transgender, pansexual atheist. Talk about inclusiveness and equity!

So, when you are playing Hole Number 7 somewhere, and have a choice whether to hit the ball through the girls’ locker and bathroom or the boys’, thank Middlebury College. Or me.

But watch out for Hole 13. It’s a bitch. For this “pro-choice” hole, you have to get your ball past a life-size cutout of Ron DeSantis and into a raised cup…sponsored by Planned Parenthood…and “held” by Hillary Clinton.