University unions in shock move to boycott themselves
In a shock move America’s largest union of university professors – the Council of Research and Academic Professionals (CRAP) which along with the American Studies Society (ASS), had recently voted in favour of an academic boycott of Israel, has voted to extend the boycott to America and hence will be boycotting itself.
Over 80% of the Union’s members took part in the vote, with a massive 13 voting in favour and only 11 voting against. This came after an impassioned plea by CRAP member Professor Angela Ayers-Davis who said:
Since we are boycotting Israel as a racist, colonial, warmongering, apartheid state, it is only fair that we do the same to America. After all, America is illegally occupying an entire continent belonging to the indigenous Native Indian population and more recently Puerta Rico and Hawaii as well as the Mexican land of Texas and California. America is also fighting a racist, illegal, colonial war against Islam in many countries. And of course America has a system of apartheid against its black citizens.
The CRAP President, Professor Ivor Loudmouth, eloquently laid out the obligations for professors and the consequences of the boycott:
Since we must boycott all academics in America, we must cease all communication between ourselves and our students. We are therefore arranging for the permanent shut-down of all American universities until the occupation, apartheid and all foreign wars end. Moreover, since the boycott obviously applies to all cultural and social interactions this also means that any professors who are married to each other must get divorced immediately. Since we are also encouraging non-academics to observe the boycott those professors who have non-academic partners should also ask their partners – and indeed all other family members – to cease speaking with them. For the sake of optimal family cohesion we recommend that professors remove themselves entirely from the family home and live in isolation. Professors will still be able to carry out their own unfunded independent research. However, whereas in the past they have been able to publish their work in journals run by themselves or their friends, they will now only be able to submit their articles to themselves and they must be rejected on the grounds of the boycott. CRAP will provide a template for self-rejection letters.